I was… Productive?

So, I’ve never been one to enjoy cleaning. At least not starting it. When I got into it, I do find it somewhat therapeutic. I’m more of a sanitary cleaner, than a “make it look pretty” cleaner. Though, I do have to say there is something about seeing the clothes folded Marie Kondo-style that “sparks joy”. It is a lot tidier, and I can see my clothes, so I don’t have to pull everything out in order to see what I have. It was also a relief getting rid of old clothes that no longer fit, or that I did not want.

I’ve learned this week, that a lot of my sadness, feelings of guilt and dissatisfaction came a lot from some serious flaws in my character. The biggest one: I procrastinate. I have put off doing my laundry, cleaning my room, organizing my drawers for essentially a year. In that, I found myself growing more tired, weary and just plain sad. It was not a happy time, and rather then getting up and doing my chores, I kept trying to find ways to fill the sadness. Drawing, knitting, writing and while each of these put a bandaid on the void in my life, they didn’t fix it.

It’s not perfect, but neither am I

So, through the process of Authentic Living I made a commitment to my friends, and to God that I would get my clothes tidy before Tuesday, and I did it. My pants were actually really difficult because, I have so many different styles, textures and sizes. But basically, from top to bottom are my casual pants, fancy pants and my “I have my period, so I don’t care” pants.

For obvious reasons, I won’t show my underwear drawer, but it’s also sectioned off into thirds. My socks which have no particular assortment. My socks are actually still messy, but they’re matched up and put away and that is what matters. My bras are divided into “bras I don’t care if I ruin” and “sports bras I like, so I don’t want to ruin” Then my underwear, which are in thirds, also. “too nice, so only wear when I go to nice places”, “kinda nice, so everyday wear” and “butt-ugly period panties”. I don’t know if you can imagine, or if I even want you imagine. I don’t even know who you are, but let’s move on from this topic.

Next, are my shirts, which get really complicated for some reason. I did not realize the abundance of the shirts I own and wear. I actually found organizing them to be difficult. I guess because what shirts I wear, depends on my mood, the occasion and how I feel about my body that day.

So, in the first image with my little toes poking out, are my sweaters. there’s no method to them, I love all my sweaters equally.

Next are my inside shirts (ft. two shorts). One of those, don’t belong to me, but you can guess which. Then, the second row are the shirts I will frequently wear at home and the third row are the shirts I will most likely only wear when I feel extra lazy.

Then there are my outside shirts. The first row from the bottom are the shirts I will most likely never wear, the second row are the shirts I will often wear – usually to work. And, the top are my functional shirts – so what I wear for church volunteer and what I wear when I’m going to go run errands.

This is my husband’s read. I still refuse.

So, I have had a blatant refusal to read and even watch anything to do with Marie Kondo, because both my mom and husband adamantly swear by this, and they suggest it to me – a lot – which is more a reflection of me and how messy I am, not really their character. I do agree being productive and tidying up, did give me a sense of relief and joy. It’s also a lot of this dredging and learning more about me, from not just my persective but other’s and God’s. It’s not the funnest process, but it is eye opening and has taught me a lot about myself.

A huge reason why I avoided cleaning up and trying Marie Kondo’s style, is I am a perfectionist. And to me, if I cannot or do not do it perfectly, what’s the point. If you watched the first 45 minutes of my folding, you would have seen that I folded, unfolded and re-folded (and repeat x 3 or 4x) the same two shirts over and over again, until i remembered I made a commitment to not trying to be perfect. I cannot run away and avoid chores or activities or even relationships, because of perfectionism. But, there’s more to say about that another time.

It’s just been nice feeling like an adult who is capable, competent and functional, after having felt useless, purposeless and stupid. And these negative feelings did not come from God. Yeah, they kind of came from the devil, but more so, they came from within me. From my fears and insecurities and unwillingness to own up to my fault and failure. But even something so small, has really made me feel a connectedness to God, to myself and even to my husband. I’m honestly not trying to brag as much as I want to remind myself, God didn’t make me stupid. He made me deliberately, intentionally and purposefully. I just have to accept that, reach out and be productive, be diligent and be active.

one day down, 89 more to go.

God Bless
w/ love

ari