I value my time. A lot. If I have nothing to do, I will usually dedicate it to just myself. But today, I had to take a moment, just five minutes to meditate. I clearly heard God telling me, I need to surrender. And in order to do that, I need to give Him my time. I need to deliberately and intentionally make time, time for Him to be with Him and and in that He will teach me how to surrender.
I don’t want to be who I was once. I want to be who He wants me to. I want to learn and know how to worship in Spirit and in truth and be sincerely emersed in. What does it mean to love God for God as God? Not just because He died for me, not because He will bless me. For no reason, but to love God. Because, I know Him and to love Him for all that He is. What does that all mean? I believe He will show me. I just need to surrender.
I lived a really long time saying “I trust God” but still took matters into my own hands. It is a method that is easier, but not wiser. It’s so easy to fall into temptation that “I know better”. I guess, it’s kind of like back roads? Google maps may tell you one thing, and because you see it it’s easier and better. But, if someone has grown up in an area and knows it like the back of their hand, you sometimes just have to trust them and let them guide you. It’s so much harder to trust someone. You can’t see the map they have in their head. It’s kind of the same concept. You can’t see the big picture of everything, that God sees. But, sometimes you need to let him, take your piece and fit it where He knows is best. You don’t see how you fit in, you don’t see how it works, but you trust Him and somehow, it works. Not somehow, He sees it all. His hand is moving.
I know I need to keep trusting Him. There’s a lot going on that scares me. There’s people – one person, specifically – that keeps popping back into my life and I really do not want him to. I hope he isn’t forced back in, but I can’t do what I did before and manipulate and try to gain control of the situation cause I made things worse.
Right now, I am letting God be God. Which sounds weird, He doesn’t need my permission. Crazily enough, God wants my permission – more like an invitation. He wants me to invite Him to be Lord of my life, and here I am. Not being impulsive. Shoving all the plans and thoughts I have bubbling in my head and putting the to silence, to listen to Him. To trust Him and to let Him do His work. John 6:6, says “He Himself, knew what He would do.” God already knows what to do, how to make things fit and I will let Him do what He will with my life.
I ask Him continually for the grace to accept the situations that I may not like. I ask Him to bless me with a heart of gratitude, so in the times of hurt and pain, I can be thankful and seek comfort and joy in Him. I won’t lie and say I am facing this bravely, I’m not. But I am facing it in trust. I know God is working. I trust that whatever happens on this earth, He has plans and He is doing it for my good. For the Kingdom’s good.
Sometimes, trusting God is scary. It’s confusing and sometimes you go in blind. But, He will lead me to still waters.