I lived a really long time saying “I trust God” but still took matters into my own hands. It is a method that is easier, but not wiser. It’s so easy to fall into temptation that “I know better”. I guess, it’s kind of like back roads? Google maps may tell you one thing, and because you see it it’s easier and better. But, if someone has grown up in an area and knows it like the back of their hand, you sometimes just have to trust them and let them guide you. It’s so much harder to trust someone. You can’t see the map they have in their head. It’s kind of the same concept. You can’t see the big picture of everything, that God sees. But, sometimes you need to let him, take your piece and fit it where He knows is best. You don’t see how you fit in, you don’t see how it works, but you trust Him and somehow, it works. Not somehow, He sees it all. His hand is moving.
I know I need to keep trusting Him. There’s a lot going on that scares me. There’s people – one person, specifically – that keeps popping back into my life and I really do not want him to. I hope he isn’t forced back in, but I can’t do what I did before and manipulate and try to gain control of the situation cause I made things worse.
Right now, I am letting God be God. Which sounds weird, He doesn’t need my permission. Crazily enough, God wants my permission – more like an invitation. He wants me to invite Him to be Lord of my life, and here I am. Not being impulsive. Shoving all the plans and thoughts I have bubbling in my head and putting the to silence, to listen to Him. To trust Him and to let Him do His work. John 6:6, says “He Himself, knew what He would do.” God already knows what to do, how to make things fit and I will let Him do what He will with my life.
I ask Him continually for the grace to accept the situations that I may not like. I ask Him to bless me with a heart of gratitude, so in the times of hurt and pain, I can be thankful and seek comfort and joy in Him. I won’t lie and say I am facing this bravely, I’m not. But I am facing it in trust. I know God is working. I trust that whatever happens on this earth, He has plans and He is doing it for my good. For the Kingdom’s good.
Sometimes, trusting God is scary. It’s confusing and sometimes you go in blind. But, He will lead me to still waters.
Ahh… nerdy reference aside, I really wanted to write this huge positivity post about some of my favourite people on this earth. These are people who have truly seen me at my absolute worst – really, I have done truly regrettable things to them – and taken me at my best. They’re the “in the thick of it” kind of people. I just love and seriously appreciate them to pieces.
It’s easy to forget to appreciate people, at least, I know I do. I really cannot see how my life would be. If not for some of these greats, I would not be the person I am today. So I’m especially grateful to God for these amazing people who He has placed in my life.
Not everyone in the photos will be people who we hung out with today, but they’re people I can fully be myself around. People who don’t judge my sometimes on the nose sense of humour, my vulgar words or my harsh statements. They’re people who know that sometimes my tone and vocabulary don’t match what I mean. They’re people who can take what they dish out.
I’ve tried to guard my heart a lot throughout the years, but again, the things I’ve done to these guys, they have proven they are worthy of being vulnerable. They’re worthy of bearing my all. Other than my family (immediate and nuclear) these guys are people who mean the most to me than anyone in the whole world. Like, really that whole “7 years of friendship” thing, I thought was a bunch of fake news, but when I think about it… that’s not true.
For the sake of privacy I won’t say their names but, on the off chance they read this, I will use initials.
ACL (omg, her initials are Anterior Collateral Ligament LOL) or KACL? She and I go way back to getting bullied by the same girl – who denies it to today, but whatever – and hiding out in washrooms stalls together. We used to run to the back and climb trees together, and as we go older we stopped. I started talking smack about her behind her back. I listened to the lies and the rumours and even spread some myself. And when I came to my senses and apologized, she loved me. She took me back. That is just beyond crazy. And now, I see how she is so full of joy. She is so eager to have fun, and live. She is so happy to just be herself and share who she is, and be real and intentional with me and I just love her so much. Also, thank God for SV, because he is so good to her. He makes her so happy and makes her so fresh. It’s so wonderful for me to see her with someone who breathes life into her already so joyful personality.
LKF LOL WE DATED – kind of, we were like… 13 but he technically asked so we technically… did? – so you can guess what I did. We broke up, and after a while of taking space from each other that friendship mended and I am so happy it did. Cause he is one of the realest most honest people I know. There’s no BS with him. He’s so honest with mw about really whatever I ask him. I know if I need someone to really tell the truth he is someone I trust. And he is not judgmental. I have said some terrible, awful things about people to him and he has just accepted it. I have maybe shocked him, but in the end he just took it as “thats how [I] feel”. I like having people like that around. Honest, true and non judgmental.
AJD we used to have so many sleepovers and we shared so many secrets. I missed her so much in the years that we were apart, but instead of telling her or showing her, I distanced myself. It’s probably one of my biggest regrets. When we got closer again, it just reminded me of why I loved her – and still do. The support she shows to her man as he pursues music, how she genuinely loves his work and wants to share him with the world. The way she is so genuine. Like, you just know what she says and gives, is who she is. There’s no lies, no secrets, no ulterior motives with her. It is so amazing to have someone like that. And RG, is so great for her. And, through her, having him in my life is really great. I have never met someone so truly passionate. I’ve met a lot of people who wanted to share their art and craft, and I support them. But RG, i don’t just support. I really, genuinely believe in him and I want to see him succeed.
finally DLVB – my boy-version. Really. I seriously cannot write enough about him. We have done some awful things to one another. Ranging from backstabbing, ignoring and avoiding, to down right dirty talk. But, ultimately, he has taught me forgiveness and love. He has taught me that, the people who are worth keeping are the people who fight to stay by you. He has taught me the real meaning of through thick and thin. He has showed me that people change and friends drift, but if you care about someone and want them around, you’ll put in your effort to make that work.
These are just the people I hung out with today, but there are so many more I can and will speak about. I think the common factor for these guys is I’ve known them since the ages of 4, 11, 9 and 4 respectively. There REP and YAJ but, I think I’ll save it for another time.
I guess I write this to remind myself, there are people who are absolutely worth my effort. People who earned my trust and I will continually work for theirs, whether I have it or not.
Hey, how’s it going? It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Honestly, I wish I could say I was busy, but I was distracted. I think a lot of us like to use “busy” because it sounds productive, but in truth I have simply been distracted. So, here is a small update.
I am taking a fast from social media. I started on Wednesday, and will not be using twitter, tumblr and Facebook (this post gets linked to said accounts, without me logging on). This fast has come up at a good time because my parents and sisters have gone to Philippines for a good half of the fast. With them being gone, and fasting from social media, I am going to have to learn to rely more on God and my husband. I am going to learn how to be still and know He is God.
This is actually such a hard concept, cause I don’t really know what it means to “know He is God”. Am I supposed to contemplate? Meditate? Silence my mind? I think He has been impressing it in my heart that I need to quiet my mind. My mind is always on overdrive and I think so much. I tend to bite off more than I can chew within my own thoughts, then I get too far into my own head and this leads to questions. I wonder how is my faith different than others? How is what I do different? How do I know my God is the right god? I think it boils down to 1). believing. Just believing in Him, trusting in Him ad rather than trying to experience Him, allowing myself to experience Him. and 2). in this fast, letting Him answer my questions. I’ve already asked them, and He has said “it shall be given” (Matt. 7:7), and in this fast I am practicing and learning to be sensitive to His voice, so I do not miss the answer.
I won’t lie, I cried a little bit. I cried out to God and asked for peace over family, peace in not knowing what the future holds, and peace to trust Him and trust that He has good plans and good intentions. I also cried just… feeling Him. It was not big and sparkly, it was not particularly profound, but it was so tranquil. Still. These are two things I often run away from and avoid, and I am not totally sure why. Perhaps it is due to a fear that I will get too much inside my head. Perhaps, I am unsettled and scared of what might happen in the silence. Maybe. I don’t honestly know. I do know, that I wanted write this, not to brag but for my own recollection and memory. So I can look back and reflect.
I will speak more about it another time but Freedom Session was a lot of getting to know myself, and letting God show me who I am in Him. I think this is a season where now I get to know who God is, and honestly that fills me up with so much joy and excitement. If this is the season I get to know my saviour and experience Him, then come what may, I will receive it with a glad heart.